I want to swim far
But I am a prey chained
In a world of power.
Peel away the darkness in my heart,
Growing with dread and hate
Of its innocence.
I can only look from afar,
Knowing it may be too late
To escape this fate.
I have buckets of tears,
For the lonely.
I have few pennies,
For the empty.
I have a beating heart
For the hateful.
I have blankets
For the broken.
I try and try
To erase the void
But I feel so small,
And so vulnerable.
Can a hopeless have hope?
Can I last until dawn?
For this night is endless
For a life already shattered.
You are the sum of my demons
The light in my shadows
A beautiful distraction,
A dream I never had.
You are the words behind my silence,
My compass in the night
My comfort from weariness,
A star I can never hold.
I should have grabbed the chance
To utter words unspoken,
But my lips were sealed,
And I ran away.
Forgive my awkwardness,
For my heart is made of paper
And I have to bottle it up
So it won’t leak.
People tell me I still look the same,
Years have gone by like the passing wind
I was drifting through life, surviving.
The past came, flashing before my eyes
And all this time, I am living a lie.
Your words were sharp as the knife
Peeling off the layers of myself I have outgrown,
Forcing me to evolve, to grow.
I ‘ve been hiding in the comfort of childhood
And I just knew it was time to let go,
And face another chapter.
God give me the strength to be strong
With hope and peace in a turbulent world.
I am afraid of the shadows
But I want to move forward
To face the darkness in my heart,
To find my light again,this time with you.
Stab me, like there’s no tomorrow
I can handle the pain.
You cut me with your shitty words
But I can always lick my wounds.
You shoot with dagger looks
But I have my bullet-proof.
If life was pain and it was you,
I’ll gladly embrace it.
I was the masochist in your sadist state,
You the Master and I like the Slave.
I chose you when you chose me,
I love you more when you hurt me.
I was a living dead before,
Then you came and awakened my soul.
People tell me I look like you
You, who bore me on a balsamic moon.
You said life was no easy for you
So you try to amend the past with me.
You guided me through and through
But kept haunting secrets only you knew.
You would suddenly hug me at night
That I had to breathe because it was tight.
When I had to leave for my dreams
Your eyes looked so painful and in tears.
You wanted me to stay in the nest
But I was stubborn that I still went away.
I said I wanted to live the world
But you said the world would eat my heart.
Remembering those days still hurt
Whenever you would send me your letters.
And that I realize that you’re right
But it was just too late to turn back time.
Time when I was still in your arms
With the peace I never found with the world.
How can such a simple single word
Mean so much to my whole existence?
I pray time to be merciful to me
So I can finally utter the words ‘forgive me.’
Tears on New Year’s Eve
Had me caught on reverie
Loneliness behind the smiles
Keep the ghosts out of bay.
Yesterday went like a dream
Had me wishing it were all real
Had my thoughts unguarded
Drinking the truth with wine.
I look up at the sky
Where I rumbled my thanks
Lonely eve to bury the past
And create a new life.
My life is a series of pain
Often the first people I meet
Were always the first ones to leave
Like a wind that just passed through.
It still hurt, yes, I ask myself why
I am always placed in these fateful encounters
Going through the circles and cycles
Of betrayals and of putting knives behind one’s back.
Often the first cut is the deepest
A slow torture that cannot be easily forgotten
Replaying like a movie in my head
Haunting my very existence.
It is almost always hard to let go
Oh, I will always know when
It was time to move on
I hurts to always say the last goodbye.
I form attachments I know will hurt
Full of bruises yet still unbroken
Full of false hopes yet still faithful
Until I had to put up a wall.
So now you ask why I was slow to trust
Now you ask why silence was the only thing you got
Dear, there’s more to silence than meets the eye
It speaks in volumes the only little forgotten things that matter.
I stopped by the net
And tried to search your name
I was hoping I’d feel great
But I only felt dismay.
I wanted to reach out to you
You with your genuine smiles and laughter
Hoping the bond was still tight
Before you were in the spotlight.
Thousands of pictures of you appeared
with thousands of words attached to them
That I could not recognize the same smile and laughter
That did not reach your amber eyes.
You did not tell me the world had eaten you
and robbed you of our memories
The only thing I was holding on to
That is living the simple life with you.
There’s a lump in my throat
Every time I close my eyes
Waiting in the silence
With the memories still fresh
Like the passing yesterday.
I wonder why I liked sunsets
I wonder why I liked roses
Forgetting how those tiny thorns
Can inflict pain and sadness.
Maybe I just liked the pain-
Makes me feel alive
Even after some pieces of me got lost
And made me a living dead.
Where were those happy memories
When you needed them?
Happiness is fleeting like a second
Yet pain can stay for a long long time
Until no more tears are left for self-loathing
Because I didn’t walk the straight path
You so carefully built and chose for me
You said I’d regret it but I still left
And made friends with pain.
I’m sorry for getting myself caught
With the disappointment you feel
Every single day that my soul
Lurked in the shadows.
Forgive this crazy fool
For believing a foolish dream
For putting around masks
And ill-fitting costumes
For how can I deserve this life
When I am only able to live
And offer love through pain?